Is There Anything Funnier Than Goats Yelling Like People?

I saw this video earlier and literally spit out my coffee and I wasn't even drinking any.  The only time I've laughed harder than this was seeing Tom Brady dance in Brazil.  Dude's got no street swag.

The "Tinder" Top 5

So incase you've been stuck under a rock for the past month, this app called Tinder has been blowing up the iPhone underworld.  Basically, the app uses your location and shows a picture of a girl within 50 miles of you and you anonymously either like her or give her the boot.  Chicks do the same thing, but with pictures of dudes.  So if a guy and a girl end up liking each other, Tinder sets you up in a convo where you can chat about getting together to bang.  The app is fool proof.  Here's a few things I noticed about the app and, ladies, a few tips on getting a like from me.

#5 - Dad Pictures

If your picture is you and your dad...no like from me.  No explanation needed.  I don't care how hot you are, tinder isn't for "daddy's girls."  

#4 - The Group Picture

Group picture = no like.  In this picture, for example, I have a 25% shot that I threw the ugly one a like.  Not a good look for me.  It's either hot or not, I don't gamble.  The odds are never in your favor.

EDIT:  If you have other pictures that are just you and you turn out to be hot, I have no problem with the group pic.

#3 - Bikini Pic

If you're bold enough to be in a bikini, I'm generous enough to toss you a like.  No exceptions.

EDIT:  Exception is fat chicks.

#2 - Age

Anyone 18 and under I will like your picture.  Before you come after me, here's my reasoning.  I'm not saying I'm gonna start a convo with you, but I'm boosting your confidence for future years.  You're welcome.

EDIT:  If your hot and your age says you're 74, you're obviously fake.  I don't know a single 74 year-old who knows how to use an iPhone.  0% shot you're a real person.

#1 - Girls From High School

If I see an old fling or one of the girls from high school who I always looked at but never had the courage to talk to, you get a like.  This one is controversial, but I'm a firm believer in rekindling the flame.  You know me, I know you, let's skip the awkward and come over around 6:30, my dad doesn't get out of work until 8.

PS - I have 17 likes.  Don't tell me I don't know what I'm doing.

Dear Public Bathrooms

Dear Public Restrooms,

      So I find myself filled with the sudden urge to poop and I happen to be in foreign territory. This isn't know comfy incense lit, chilling on twitter, 1000 thread count toilet paper poop. This is hell, might as well be taking a poop in enemy land. I have some hints though maybe if you stop forcing me to use low grade sand paper to wipe my ass, I'll stop writing profanity all over you're stall doors. I'm offering a fair trade, maybe some actual soap rather than fake anthrax looking crack cocaine shit that falls out of the dispenser and upgrade to Dove. I just can't find myself getting comfortable and then SOMEONE WALKS IN! FUCK ME RIGHT?!? I'm trying to sit here do my thang and this guy comes and all judgmental and shit and now my butthole is tighter than TSA after a bomb threat. I really am not asking for a golden throne I just want a little order. I expect certain standards when I'm taking a shit and you public restrooms need to step up your GAME!

Sincerely,
 One Pissed Off User

25-year-old rabbi: "I can manage the Toronto Blue Jays"

USA Today - "Why not give the job to a 25-year-old rabbi?

So says Zev Icyk, a student at the Rabbinical College of America in Morristown, N.J.

Icyk, a native of Thornhill, just north of Toronto, wrote a letter requesting an audience with Blue Jays general manager Alex Anthopoulos. His reasoning? Can't do much worse than those who preceded him.

Writes Icyk in the e-mail: "I have drive, motivation, experience and personality to take the Jays where Alex Anthopoulos wants them to go.

"The Jays would be the most aggressive and exciting team in the bigs. I am the only rabbi in the world with the ability to manage in the majors."

Icyk is not without baseball chops. Elliott reports that Icyk, then known as Warren Icyk, threw a no-hitter in 2009 for Muscatine Community College in Iowa and later played for Division III D'Youville College in Buffalo."


Listen chief, I don't care how many community college teams you've pitched for or how many middle school "Most Improved Player" awards you won, managing the Blue Rays is out of your league.  Literally, out of your league.  Here's a thought, if you're so talented, how about you get a few men's beer league softball jobs under your belt and then try your hand at a minor league gig, maybe a nice single A team.  Not to burst you bubble I totally respect the hustle, but you don't see me lobbying to be Jay-Z's new your manager.  Would I want to be?  You bet your ass.  Do I have any right?  Nope, non at all.  If I was Alex Anthopoulous I would give this guy a shot at an interview, just to brutally shut his ass down and show him that normal people go to school for stuff like that, I believe it's called a degree.  You don't just become a rabbi one day and then expect to wake up with million dollar job offer from the Blue Jays on your night stand.  This is America bro, get with the program.  The verdict?  Zev Icyk is your team 11 times out of 10.

PS - Saying "I am the only rabbi in the world with the ability to manage in the majors" gives me absolutely no confidence in your capabilities to manage a team.

Marykate Olsen Is Dating My Grandpa

USA Today -->
Mary-Kate Olsen, 26, and her sweetie, Olivier Sarkozy, 42, half-brother of the former president of France, are still hot and heavy, as you can see. The two, who have been dating for six months or so, were spotted in this (uncomfortable?) smooch pose on Friday night while cheering on the New York Knicks at Madison Square Garden in New York City. The WSJ Magazine asked Mary-Kate about the romance — and the 16-year age difference — in a recent interview. The star/designer's reply: "Everyone has an opinion. I find it's better to focus on what's in front of you and to keep putting one foot in front of the other."

Is anybody else thinking what I am? Marykate Olsen doesn't look half as bad as I thought she would. I mean her and her twin sister Ashley just disappeared off face off the earth for like 7 years right? But here she comes, looking pretty smoking at this Knicks-Mavs game while some 70-year-old licks the side of her face. Her mind is telling the press that she likes this guy, but her face looks like she's being held captive by this psycho. If that is not the face of pure terror right there, I don't know what is.

What's up with chicks being in to older guys anyways? Like I remember when I was in high school and all the girls in our grade would go hang out with kids older than us that could drive and shit. Me and my buddies were riding around on our huffy bikes with pegs, and stolen chromies on the tires while the Senior quarterback was getting road dome in his Ford Explorer. But I feel like women have taken it to a whole new level. Instead of just looking in the grade above them, women have began searching places where old people hang out. Like; banks, whole food stores, retirement homes, bingo halls, and Jimmy Buffet concerts. Open your eyes ladies! Yeah these guys might have money, stability, houses, and time shares or shit like that. Us young bloods have cool shit too, We are technologically savy, we have knees that work, and balls that don't sag to our knees! Please ladies, don't be a part of the problem anymore. Out with the old, and in with new!

P.S. Marykate Olsen.... My team. Bold move, but I'm sticking with my gut.

Dear Facebook (You Suck)

Dear Facebook,
         Hey it's been a while since I last wrote. I just wanted to let you know that it's for a good reason. You've changed man. You just aren't like you use to be. Things used to be so simple. I could log on look at a few funny pictures, get angry about the girl who complains to much, and meticulously look for spelling errors on friends statuses. I don't understand why you had to conform and try and be "sleek" looking. I don't understand how you could just force adds into everything and just get so consumed by micro managing a fantasy farm. I don't want to be a part of your antics, to be honest...I've been seeing someone on the side...yeah...it's twitter. He just knows what I like. He doesn't make me choose to "allow" things all the time. You've let me down for the last time and NO POKE CAN FIX THIS. I'd call this all off today if it weren't the fact that you have my friends hooked making groups and pages all the time. I don't want to like a musician in order to get his music, WHERE DO YOU GET OFF? Well I just want to let you know I'm better than that and as I sit here staring at my news feed to update, I just want you to know that it's not over between us, I hate what you've become, but I'll deal with it until my real prince charming of the social networks comes along. In the mean time, keep your pregnant girls, parents, and annoying band/event notifications on the low.


        Sincerley,
                One Pissed Off User